Ok, this is my first real blog, so let's kinda see how things go...
Ok, so I read a passage in a book yesterday and it made me think. The book, "Without You" was written by Anthony Rapp.
"...when you have someone you know who's died, you have to grieve,...the loss of the person...and then you have to mourn the loss of who that person held you to be. Because that dies with them. Their vision of you no longer exists. And a whole world of who you are is gone..."
So following that logic, you are a different person depending on who you are around. You are never exactly the same person around any two people. You are merely a compilation of hundreds of people's perceptions of you.
Is all that true? Do we really begin to be chipped away as people we know die off? Are we never able to be exactly that person they perceived us to be again, so it is dead too? Do we need to mourn our own piece of death every time we loose someone?
After reading that particular passage, I couldn't help thinking of all of the people I have lost in my life. Just the last 10 months in particular have been quite significant. Being honest, I don't really properly grieve when I loose someone. I haven't dealt with my grandmother's death. I am sure of that. She died 6 years ago. Iain is another one I am really having a hard time with. Even though we were no longer together, I was left as being the one responsible for having to handle everything after his passing. I was not able to grieve properly for him because I had to handle things, I had to tell our daughter, she was 4 at the time, that daddy was in heaven. I had to sit with her at the memorial service for him as people were telling their little stories and memories of him. I was beside her when she stood up asking if she could have her turn. And angelically remarking to everyone at the service that her daddy went to heaven to play his guitar for everyone else that is up in heaven. I don't think I can properly grieve for him because I am grieving for our daughter who doesn't quite understand what she has really lost.
I don't know. I really just asked more questions than actually answering anything for myself. I just felt like writing. The passage actually made me think, so I thought I would share. No one may ever read but, I got it out.
